Facebook Etiquette

With this infantile world of social media, there is very little to determine proper etiquette when using such sites as Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (are people still on this?), LinkedIn etc. I think the most difficult aspect of determining proper etiquette for such sites is that each site carries it's own rules of proper behavior in it's digital space. Today, I would like to focus on one particular aspect of Facebook etiquette--- status updates.

When status updates first came about on Facebook, I think people were a little weary of it's practical uses and it's invasion of privacy. However, since that time, micro-blogging (Twitter etc.) has become the new way for people to express themselves, share ideas, share content and so forth. Letting people know your status has become as common as Ben Roethlisberger being charged for sexual assault. But let's talk about one particular "type" of status update. The Pity Status.

The pity status is the worst status someone can put in the social media space. Why? Because this person is deliberately trying to evoke certain sympathies from their online friends with vague language and trying to encourage certain questions to be asked. Take for instance this status: "Some days are just the worst days aren't they? I hope tomorrow will be better than this shitty day." Ok, vagueness? Check. Self pity? Check. Encouraging questions to be asked? Check. This person is seeking validation from his or her (face it, most of these pity statuses seem to be from the female sex) friends to ask them what happened, is everything ok, and how can I help you get through this difficult time. What has happened is this person probably has a bunch of shit going on in their lives, but they do not need to share that with the rest of the world. If they are so concerned with their situation, please, just call a good friend. No need to publicize your problems to the rest of the world, because like you, we all have problems and things to deal with on a daily basis.

Responses. Please, don't respond. It's as simple as this. If this person wants advice, they can go to a shrink. If they need help, I'm sure they can find help on Google. If they need your sympathies, they can call/text/email/private message you for that. We don't need to be indulged with your issues every time your professor gives you a bad grade (probably deserved it!) or your boss is an asshole (he probably is an asshole, but I'm sure you deserved it) So people of the world, buck up, quit looking for sympathy, and instead concentrate your output on solving your problems in the real-world, not just bitching about them online.

Bar-side Eti-Kit

In honor of Valentine's Day (the actual day, not the movie), I have decided to take a little bit of a personal foray into my own romantic life. No, my life isn't all that romantic, but rather the attempts for romance I make. Romance seems to be one of those words like "love" or "tampon" that men just want to shy away from and not think about at all. However, there are certain times when the mood can strike a man to become lost in the prowess of a beautiful woman and carry on to such romantic endeavors as buying her something classy, like an Irish car bomb.

There have been two such occasions the past two weekends in my life. Occasions where I had been taking part in the consumption of friendly libations and happened upon a nice looking lady with some good opinions, great eyes, and a better sense of humor than previously thought possible. On each of these occasions I engaged in some rivetingly poignant bar-side conversation, and by the end of our parting, I had gotten the magic 10-digits from her. I had gotten their numbers with full-on intentions of maybe taking these girls to dinner the following week or even perhaps taking them to a concert (where I tend to do my best work). However, these encounters would turn out to be just that--- encounters, with no followup gathering in sight. Simply put, I was blown off by both of these girls.

I know some of you out there who read this blog might be wondering what the big deal is regarding two random girls wanting nothing to do with me. In normal circumstances, sure, that's completely reasonable. I am certainly no Don Juan, but I'm also not Hanson from Scary Movie 2 (my germs!). I, like most guys, have been told every excuse in the book for a girl not to talk to me at a bar or to not give me her number. I have no issues with that. If I walk up to you in a bar and you want nothing to do with me, please, let it all out. Tell me to go fuck myself, get out of your face, and sunbathe in Tiger Woods' lawn dressed as a naked cocktail waitress. That's fine. I'd rather get it all out there and stop wasting my time. However, this is usually not the case. Usually, if a girl is not interested in me, there is the endless toying and pussy-footing (definitely no puns intended) around the issue at hand. It can usually carry on for weeks, and sometimes more. The oddity which lies with these last two girls is the break from the norm which I was used to.

As I said before, I had some good conversation with these girls and at the end of the night, got their numbers. And here is how the post-bar conversations went down:

Side note: I know my "game" skills are not anywhere near perfect, so bear with me....

Girl 1

I wait 3 days after getting her number. Call her. No answer. Leave message inquiring about remainder of weekend and beginning of week. No response. Wait 2 more days. Call again. No answer. Text message received 20 minutes later, "I'm at the library, what's up?" Tell her just seeing what she's up to that night, would love to hang out with her. She responds, "I would love to hang out with everyone (side note: she did not italicize "everyone" but rather I did to emphasize my knowledge that this is the point I knew I was fucked) again tonight. And just to be clear, I just want to be friends. (and this is where I really knew I was fucked)" And the conversation dribbled on from there, but have not really spoken to her since.

Here is my issue with the way this went down. Why talk to me for two hours at a bar if you just want to be friends? Why leave your friends and only hang out with me? Why give me your number and tell me you'd love to go to dinner with me the following week? No one goes out at night thinking "gee whizz, I'd love to make some really neato friends tonight!"

Girl 2

I wait 3 days after getting her number. Call her and leave a message, asking how rest of her weekend was etc. (see a theme growing here?) Next day, call again, no message this time. Two days later send a text asking her if she'd like to come to a concert with some friends and me. No response. Next day, desperation sinks in, I text her saying, "I don't even get a call/text back, that's kind of weak." I finally get a response telling me I have the wrong number. Whoops! But do I? I asked who it was. She tells me it was not Erin. I was fine with that, as I was not looking for Erin. I said I'm looking for "Jessica." She says, "wait, who is this?" I respond with, "This is Kace, I met you last Friday night." And then I don't hear another word back from her. Obviously, she was blowing me off, and that's cool.

Here is my issue with the way this one went down. Once again, I had spoken to her for a good hour and a half to two hours at the bar. We were laughing, having a good time, and she was the one who told me to get her number. Then, at the end of the night, she hugs me and tells me "don't be shy." Ok, I was not shy. I am still not shy. What in the shit is this all about? Why would you give me your number if you never wanted to talk to me again? It makes no sense. If you're going to disregard my existence to you, please do so in front of my face. Is that really too much to ask?

I tend to be a pretty realistic guy. I can usually tell if a girl is digging me or not and I know when to abort a sinking ship. But there is no need for the nonsense. Save yourself some harassing phone calls and text messages and save the guy some time and brain cells. If you have no intention of ever talking to him again, don't give him your number. Give him a fake number, slap him across the face, tell him he has girly hands, I don't care. Whatever you have to do to make it clear to him that you have no interest. Otherwise, you are simply epitomizing the already popular belief among men that women are more confusing than a Mandarin Chinese class taught in Polish. That is unless of course you are either Chinese or Polish.

I Think They're All Drunk At This Political Party

I've been very turned off to politics lately. So much of what goes on in Washington is both unknown to me and so confusing for your ordinary citizen of the United States that it almost makes no difference in how much we follow or participate in our political process. I don't want people to think I am promoting apathy, but I am a realist. However, today, something went on in our political sphere by which I was very intrigued. President Obama was taking open questions at the House Republican Retreat. Now, I could go on about what I think is going on at that retreat, but I am not trying to be crude, crass or sassy towards any particular political party in this blog post. What I am trying to do is speak towards the accomplishment I believe this particular event may have within our political realm.

I am not a staunch follower of American politics, but to my knowledge, I have never seen a President answer questions at an event like this for the opposing political party. I certainly never saw W do it, and frankly, I was too young to give a shit about what Clinton was doing (although I knew he got blown by an intern.... great way to shape a 7th grader's mind). I thought this was the most healthy forum for political debate and banter which I have ever seen in this country. The Republicans acted very civil (for the most part) towards President Obama, and I thought he handled himself very well in the face of a very adverse situation.

Side Note: For the record, I am a proud independent and critic of both political parties, although I do support President Obama.

Obama brought up one point in particular which verbalized what I have been trying to say for so long. He talked about politicians "boxing themselves in" and needing to use "tones of civility instead of slash and burn." He brought up the point that in our political system, there has been so much bickering and bantering lately; there are so many attacks towards the other party (Democrat or Republican) that it is making it impossible to get things done. Even if you agree with a particular bill the other party has presented, you've talked so much shit about them in the past that your constituency will see you as weak, or a "flip-flopper" for voting for that particular bill; thus, resulting in you not being re-elected. Even if that bill has ideals and principles within it which are consistent with your beliefs and your party's beliefs, you simply cannot vote for it. Isn't this ridiculous? Is this what Washington DC has become? Are we in a perpetual state of election season?

The answer to all of those questions is "yes," and it saddens me to say so. Politicians, who generally have always been out for their own causes and their own benefit, are constantly worried about reelection. They are so worried about their reelection that it is hurting the American people because literally nothing can get done. This is why politics is all bullshit and it almost makes no difference to care or not to care. It doesn't matter who is President, who controls the Senate, or who controls the House. It seems as though one party actually wants the other party to be in control, that way they can talk so much shit about them, they look like the "good guys", and by the time elections come again, their party will be voted in this time. It's the ebb and flow of American politics. That's why the conglomerate of Republican or Democratic strongholds within the seats of congress never last more than 2 terms or so in modern politics. It's like a tug-o-war battle. The little ribbon in the middle of the rope is going from side to side. An inch or two one way, and then an inch or two the other way. This happens over and over, repeatedly, until the end of time. Nobody ever fucking wins! And the real losers are the American people. Why can't we keep that ribbon in the middle and throw all of the bullshit "politics" out the door and actually work for the American people?

I've been saying this for a long time and I know it will NEVER happen, but imagine a world where political parties did not exist? Wouldn't that be great? A world where people ran based on the merits of their ideals and ideas and couldn't hide behind a party's structure or weren't criticized based upon the group to which they belonged. I'm not sure about other mayoral seats, but I know the Dallas mayoral seat is a non-party affiliated seat, which I think is pretty cool. Candidates can actually run based on who they are as individuals. I know it's idealistic thinking and it will never happen, but I think it would be incredible to see that on a national spectrum. It would be great to be able to see Independents or parties other than Republicans or Democrats win more elections. I have a feeling that my generation (which I have named the Liquid Soap Generation) is becoming more and more irritated with the way things are going and one day these idealistic thoughts may become a realist actuality. Let's hope so at least.

Infomercials: The Great American Late-Night Pastime (if you haven't brought home a lady)

I would like to delve into the great and vast world of As Seen On TV products. Everyone knows these products and surely with the quick rise and passing of the amazing Billy Mays, the As Seen On TV infomercial community is larger than ever. Products like the Snuggie and the Sham-Wow really took this industry from one of late-night insomniacs to that of the average guy just looking to stay warm and use his fucking remote control at the same time. If he happens to spill his beer, then damnit, now he has something to clean it up with. That's all.

For those of you who don't know me well, I am an avid supporter and long-time fan of the infomercial community and industry. Ever since I first heard the words, "Hi, Billy Mays here for..." I have wanted to have that job. I used to idolize Billy Mays long before he became a mega-millionaire superstar. For a long time I wanted to somehow be an apprentice underneath him. This guy really knew how to sell a product. But, it wasn't the actually "selling" factor that interested me, but rather it was how he was so good at making people care about a product that they otherwise would have had zero interest in. It's very similar to writing a good paper in college. Let's say you're writing a paper on the latest book you read. It doesn't matter what you say in your paper. That isn't what gets you the grade. What gets you the grade, and gets people to buy what you're selling is the way in which you say it. Can you be convincing enough to make them believe in an idea that they otherwise couldn't have cared less about?

Billy Mays always said that he only hawked products that he truly believed in and used himself. Coming from a guy with such an upstanding record, I liked to believe in him as a person. However, it wasn't this guarantee that sold me and the millions of other people on the products. It was how he said it. Take for instance the product "Mighty Mend-It." This is a product, very similar to your standard super-glue, but it was used to mend fabrics such as ripped jeans or your tattered American flag (how patriotic!). Seeing the Mighty Mend-It being used on those materials seemed pretty standard. No one would buy the product based on those examples. But wait, there's more. With every infomercial product there is the big hook. The demonstration where they show you how you may not actually ever use it for this purpose, but hey, if we show you, you're sure as hell going to buy it. In the Mighty Mend-It (MMI) commercial, they show a guy patching his parachute with the MMI and then going up in a plane and jumping out, presumably with the same parachute. Is this guy fucking nuts? Everyone who watches this is thinking the same thing. However, they are also thinking, "hey, if that crazy asshole jumped out of a plane using this shit, I'm gonna buy me 50 of em." Great marketing.

Being that I love infomercials so much, I too had bought into some of the ideas of a better life that I was being sold. Did I really think these products were going to change the way I lived and make me a better person? No, but nothing is going to do that. It's more of the thrill of the purchase and the anticipation to see if "hey, I wonder if this piece of shit will actually work." Over the years I've purchased the Pasta Express (piece of shit), Listen Up (piece of shit, but kind of fun), Focus Factor (definitely shit. This commercial really sells the "better life pill" well, but it contains the same things, and less of them, as your standard men's one-a-day multivitamin), Vidalia Chop Wizard (pretty good product), and as of today the HD-Vision Wrap Arounds. These HD vision glasses are not actually high definition. After all, what is more high definition than real life? However, their "Sleek Euro-Style" design is hilarious, and the lense color does brighten things up quite a bit.

Another product I would like to discuss is the Kymaro Body Shaper. This was an infomercial which came on right after my Saturday morning SBTB fix (Saved By The Bell for all you youngsters out there). This product was in essence a spandex suit for women to wear underneath their clothes to make them look skinnier. They main lady who was the model for the gear couldn't have needed this product any less. You put her in a lineup with Heidi Klum, Molly Sims and Minka Kelly and she's somewhere in the middle. This chick was sexy. Once again, great marketing. However, when they showed the testimonials, this is when the hilarity ensued. They would have these women on, with 44" waists and larger, throw on these girdle-esque devices. According to the infomercial, it would cut their waists down 4" or so and these women would talk about how great they looked, how great they felt etc. This was all fine and dandy except for one thing. They were still fat. And unhealthy. And didn't look good at all. Furthermore, the commercial went on to say, "This product is the ONLY way to get your figure back." Really? I guess diet and exercise was just a fad.

It's products like the Kymaro Body Shaper that give the infomercial world a bad name. That and Vince from the Sham-Wow and Slap Chop commercials. But it really is the Body Shaper. Not that it is promising anything unreal. I'm sure it does make a women look a little slimmer. However, it is failing us as an American society because what it promotes is laziness, quick-fixes, and a substitute for hard-work and dedication. Sadly, people out there believe commercials like this and think there is no other way to get back whatever figure they once had. Diet and exercise is not just a fad. In fact, that's my new commercial idea. I'm going to sell the idea of diet and exercise. Let's see how that one sells.

Shorely This Can't Be Serious

Since I started this blog, I think this is the longest I have gone between posts, so I hope I will have a good amount to write about today.

First, I'd like to discuss the epic television programming that has hit nearly every TV from here to Timbuktu for people in the 18-30 year old demographic. Of course, I am talking about the #1 new hit show, Jersey Shore. Yes, this show has been on for a few months now, and yes, I am helplessly addicted. This is coming from the guy who generally denounces reality television because it's like 2 month old trash--- it stinks like shit, but by the time it gets to you, it's generally watered down and there is no substance at all. Jersey Shore is no different, but I can't stop watching this show. The characters are exactly that--- characters. I don't think Scorsese or James Cameron could have written characters this out of control and this unfortunate because no one would believe them. However, when it's "real," it's real.

There are two specific issues that I just love about this show which I would like to discuss. The first is the age-old process of GTL. For you non-guidos out there, this stands for Gym, Tan, Laundry. This is the process before a big night on the town. Ok, I have no problem with these guys being meat-heads, or the fact that they were shirts with more sparkles on them than the finest Colombian bam-bam. However, I do not understand why they go to the "tannin' salon" when the premise of the show requires them to live at the beach, at a beach house nonetheless. Anyone else confused by this "situation?" Indoor ski facilities may be a big hit on the main island of Honshu in Japan, but you'd have to be out of your fucking mind to think that would work in Aspen, Colorado..... Next.

Snookie. Snookie may be my favorite character on the show. Why? Because she is so inherently stupid. She isn't "can't do calculus" stupid or "I think that Boston is right next to Massachusetts" stupid. She's "I don't eat lobster because it was alive at one point but I'll gladly chomp down on a big-ass steak" stupid. You have to give someone credit for that. The whole gang of guidos and guidettes were celebrating something (not sure what, maybe Italian independence day, or maybe the opening of a new hair gel store) and The Situation was cooking up a fine Surf N Turf dinner comprised of steak and lobster. Well, Snookie, the aspiring veterinarian, was absolutely disgusted by the boiling of the lobster because she doesn't eat things which were at one point alive. Well, flash forward to the lovely MTV-inspired montage of them eating their dinner and she is chomping down steak the entire time, getting enough saturated fat to make her breathers breathe even more. Dumbing herself down? No. She's just that dumb. Yes.