Infomercials: The Great American Late-Night Pastime (if you haven't brought home a lady)

I would like to delve into the great and vast world of As Seen On TV products. Everyone knows these products and surely with the quick rise and passing of the amazing Billy Mays, the As Seen On TV infomercial community is larger than ever. Products like the Snuggie and the Sham-Wow really took this industry from one of late-night insomniacs to that of the average guy just looking to stay warm and use his fucking remote control at the same time. If he happens to spill his beer, then damnit, now he has something to clean it up with. That's all.

For those of you who don't know me well, I am an avid supporter and long-time fan of the infomercial community and industry. Ever since I first heard the words, "Hi, Billy Mays here for..." I have wanted to have that job. I used to idolize Billy Mays long before he became a mega-millionaire superstar. For a long time I wanted to somehow be an apprentice underneath him. This guy really knew how to sell a product. But, it wasn't the actually "selling" factor that interested me, but rather it was how he was so good at making people care about a product that they otherwise would have had zero interest in. It's very similar to writing a good paper in college. Let's say you're writing a paper on the latest book you read. It doesn't matter what you say in your paper. That isn't what gets you the grade. What gets you the grade, and gets people to buy what you're selling is the way in which you say it. Can you be convincing enough to make them believe in an idea that they otherwise couldn't have cared less about?

Billy Mays always said that he only hawked products that he truly believed in and used himself. Coming from a guy with such an upstanding record, I liked to believe in him as a person. However, it wasn't this guarantee that sold me and the millions of other people on the products. It was how he said it. Take for instance the product "Mighty Mend-It." This is a product, very similar to your standard super-glue, but it was used to mend fabrics such as ripped jeans or your tattered American flag (how patriotic!). Seeing the Mighty Mend-It being used on those materials seemed pretty standard. No one would buy the product based on those examples. But wait, there's more. With every infomercial product there is the big hook. The demonstration where they show you how you may not actually ever use it for this purpose, but hey, if we show you, you're sure as hell going to buy it. In the Mighty Mend-It (MMI) commercial, they show a guy patching his parachute with the MMI and then going up in a plane and jumping out, presumably with the same parachute. Is this guy fucking nuts? Everyone who watches this is thinking the same thing. However, they are also thinking, "hey, if that crazy asshole jumped out of a plane using this shit, I'm gonna buy me 50 of em." Great marketing.

Being that I love infomercials so much, I too had bought into some of the ideas of a better life that I was being sold. Did I really think these products were going to change the way I lived and make me a better person? No, but nothing is going to do that. It's more of the thrill of the purchase and the anticipation to see if "hey, I wonder if this piece of shit will actually work." Over the years I've purchased the Pasta Express (piece of shit), Listen Up (piece of shit, but kind of fun), Focus Factor (definitely shit. This commercial really sells the "better life pill" well, but it contains the same things, and less of them, as your standard men's one-a-day multivitamin), Vidalia Chop Wizard (pretty good product), and as of today the HD-Vision Wrap Arounds. These HD vision glasses are not actually high definition. After all, what is more high definition than real life? However, their "Sleek Euro-Style" design is hilarious, and the lense color does brighten things up quite a bit.

Another product I would like to discuss is the Kymaro Body Shaper. This was an infomercial which came on right after my Saturday morning SBTB fix (Saved By The Bell for all you youngsters out there). This product was in essence a spandex suit for women to wear underneath their clothes to make them look skinnier. They main lady who was the model for the gear couldn't have needed this product any less. You put her in a lineup with Heidi Klum, Molly Sims and Minka Kelly and she's somewhere in the middle. This chick was sexy. Once again, great marketing. However, when they showed the testimonials, this is when the hilarity ensued. They would have these women on, with 44" waists and larger, throw on these girdle-esque devices. According to the infomercial, it would cut their waists down 4" or so and these women would talk about how great they looked, how great they felt etc. This was all fine and dandy except for one thing. They were still fat. And unhealthy. And didn't look good at all. Furthermore, the commercial went on to say, "This product is the ONLY way to get your figure back." Really? I guess diet and exercise was just a fad.

It's products like the Kymaro Body Shaper that give the infomercial world a bad name. That and Vince from the Sham-Wow and Slap Chop commercials. But it really is the Body Shaper. Not that it is promising anything unreal. I'm sure it does make a women look a little slimmer. However, it is failing us as an American society because what it promotes is laziness, quick-fixes, and a substitute for hard-work and dedication. Sadly, people out there believe commercials like this and think there is no other way to get back whatever figure they once had. Diet and exercise is not just a fad. In fact, that's my new commercial idea. I'm going to sell the idea of diet and exercise. Let's see how that one sells.